03 Aug Perfectly Flawed
Was there ever a moment, we wanted to feel perfect. We wanted to show we could not make mistakes, we could not fail or even when we did we still saw ourselves perfect.
I am at that edge in my life right now, beyond this goodness, this sweetness, this kindness, this wonder, this warmth, this greatness. There is a lot more happening on inside that only a few know about, when I should cry I smile, where I should feel sad I still try to stay happy.
In the midst of the storm, what is holding me together, what exactly is swaying me through the storm. As raging as it seems, how do I find peace? My personality says perfect but there was never any perfect conditions. The storm raging, my heart palpitating, what do I make of me right now. Every form of perfection I thought I had was gone. Should I embrace my imperfection? Should I pretend everything is fine? Should I just pretend? In a world that says trump your weakness, show your strength. My weakness keep showing up every single day. I have fallen like a pack of cards, not once, not twice, not thrice but more. I thought I could pick a piece but everything is in pieces.
Wearing a mask, a dark one, thinking it is going to shade me away from my past, my pain, my hurts, my distress, my despair with this one life I was given without a spare. Life only got chances, no spare. Even though I still try to live carefully I still despair. Should I plunge myself in the river? But what kind of river. I say I am not afraid of death, but would I die right. My heart skips, the sign of a lifting but what was it, some money rolled in. Money left, and sad I went back to my former state. I thought what else can we get for a lifting, intimacy or some kind of approval will do the magic. But no, when things failed and you admitted your weakness, it’s like Hey you ain’t got strength.
So I moved on thinking life is going to do the thinking, I tried but I started freaking out. Afraid how would my life turn out. Do I have just a little bit of hope to run to? I did but it was for a short time. Not bearing fruits but pursuing religious activity so they world could view me as thick but never knew I was a Pharisee. If there are Pharisees in this age then I’m one of them. Judge but ain’t living right huh. Tried to get some accountability but I get pushed to the corner like there is nothing to bring to account. I am struggling too much because i am trying to do this all by myself and for myself. If I could get some credit then it’s cool. What if I don’t? You can guess right.
Learning so much more about who God is and how I’d stopped journeying. Everything became a routine, life was a routine. Looked like an absolute, but nah. Inside, I believe there is more to this routine, which smells rotten, because it was all about marking the books. When am I ever going to get off doing things because I want to know God more than I used to? For me the time is now, I admit my frailty and my disloyalty. Chasing people and things but gave Him the leftovers. Yet, I am perfectly flawed, created in His image